The Glorious Purpose of Awkward Date Nights

When I proposed to my wife, I had just gone through extensive and painful knee surgery. I was on crutches, and my leg was locked in a brace that would not allow me to bend my knee. So when the moment came to get down on one knee, it wasn’t exactly a smooth gesture.

Getting down was awkward. Getting back up was even less graceful. But my effort went a long way with my soon-to-be bride. She knew it was important to me to get down on one knee when I asked her to marry me. She saw that I wouldn’t let discomfort, awkwardness, or a little embarrassment keep me from doing what I believed was appropriate in that moment.

Looking back, that rather clumsy proposal reminds me of something important about love: sometimes the awkward moments reveal more than the impressive ones.

That’s important because dating is an art you should practice whether you are single, engaged, or married. Too many people think dating is only for finding a spouse. They will say, “Dating should have a purpose,” and by that they usually mean it should point toward marriage. That is a fine and serious goal. But for the Christian, the deeper purpose of dating is sanctification. It should help another person walk closer to Christ. If you end up marrying, praise God. If you do not, you should still be able to look back and say, “I helped that person love Jesus more, not less.”

That kind of dating protects both people. It keeps it from becoming a selfish audition where we use charm to get what we want. It also prevents marriage from becoming a place where we stop learning from each other. Married couples need to continue to date too, not because they are still deciding whether or not to stay together, but because a loving relationship needs time and attention, with the ultimate goal being to direct us more toward Christ.

Dr. James Dobson often said that newlyweds learn more about each other in the first week of marriage than they did during the entire time they were dating. That should make us think. In his October 2015 newsletter, he explained why:

“Often, two people who are deeply in love stand side by side at an altar and pledge before God to remain committed to each other for the rest of their lives. But when the honeymoon is over and they return to a daily routine, they get in separate rowboats and begin bouncing along a choppy sea. The pace at which they run, the pressures of living, and the lack of money cause them to drift in opposite directions. Before they know it, they are far apart and can’t even hear each other’s voices. It happens ever so quickly!”

That picture is easy to understand because life really does get choppy. Work becomes stressful. Money gets tight. Sleep quite often is short. Plans change. People get sick. The version of us that shows up for a candlelit dinner is real, but it is not the whole story. Adult love has to survive the kitchen mess, the wrong turn, the burnt dinner, the missed appointment, and the tired conversation after a long day.

That is why some of the best dates aren’t the ones where everything goes perfectly. Sometimes the best dates are the ones where both of you are not very good at what you are doing.

Most of us naturally put our best foot forward on a date, and there is nothing wrong with that. We should be thoughtful. We should dress well, plan adequately, speak kindly, and make the other person feel valued. But if every date is built around what we already know we can do well, we may only see each other at our polished best. A better question might be, “What kind of person are you when you feel a little off-kilter?”

For instance, when Jim and Janel started dating, they both admitted they weren’t very good cooks. Their dates were usually at a nice restaurant, rather than eating in. So they decided to try a “simple” recipe together. Well, the smoke alarm testified to their troubles. The good news was that only the food burned—and they tried something else for dinner that brought more than a polished look. It showed their true character when life didn’t go as planned.

What if you and your significant other both love to cook? Well, try a recipe that is just a little beyond both of your culinary abilities. It’s hard to hide your heart when the sauce will not thicken, the timer is beeping, and flour is on the floor, the counter, in your hair, and on your shirt. In that moment, a couple can learn a lot. Does one person take over? Does the other give up? Do you blame each other, or do you laugh and order pizza if you must? A ruined dinner may teach more than a perfect restaurant meal.

How about going somewhere like a driving range if one of you is terrible at golf?  There is something humbling about swinging with confidence and missing the ball completely. But that kind of moment can be a gift. It gives the other person a chance to encourage instead of tease, to teach without acting superior, and to celebrate small improvements. A dating relationship needs that kind of grace. So does a marriage.

If golf isn’t your forte (which still doesn’t necessarily rule it out), the same lesson can show up in a dance class, a bowling alley, a pottery studio, or an ice-skating rink. These are not just activities. They are little windows. A man who can laugh when he stumbles gives his girl a glimpse inside his soul. A woman who can receive help without shame is showing you something about her willingness to improve her skills. A spouse who can be patient while the other person learns is opening the curtains to his or her heart.

For some couples, the revealing date may simply be shopping. If one of you hates doing that, don’t turn it into a four-hour test of endurance. Make it light. Give yourselves a small budget and an uncomplicated mission, such as finding a gift for someone else or choosing an item for your home. The goal is not to punish the person who dislikes the mall, but to practice patience, preference, and sacrifice in a small and ordinary way.

You might also try building something together. Put together a piece of furniture, plant a small garden, paint a room, or work on a simple home project. These dates are not glamorous, but they often tell the truth. Instructions get confusing. Pieces go missing. Someone wants to read every step, while the other wants to figure it out by instinct. In those moments, love can become gentle. As Ephesians 4:2 says, we are to walk “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.”

That verse belongs in dating as much as it does in marriage. Humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another are not wedding-day decorations. They are daily tools. They are habits that keep two rowboats from drifting so far apart that the couple can no longer hear each other.

There are a few warnings here, but hopefully they help. Don’t choose activities that you know would embarrass the other person, or weaponize weakness. And don’t create a test the other person does not know they are taking. The point is not to expose flaws so you can keep score. Rather, it’s about creating space where both of you can practice Christlike love in real time.

A good date should still feel like a blessing. It should convey a message that says, “I want to know you, not just be impressed by you.” It should also say, “I am willing to be awkward with you,” and, “Your heart matters more to me than your performance.”

This is true for singles as well as married couples. If you’re dating, look for the kind of love that encourages you both to become more faithful, honest, patient, and more joyful in Christ. If you are married, keep dating in a way that helps you continue to discover each other. Don’t wait until you are in separate rowboats, shouting at each other across the waves. Step into the same boat again, even if you wobble a little getting in.

After all, growing into adulthood is not only about becoming impressive. It’s about becoming faithful. And sometimes faithfulness looks like a man on crutches, in a stiff knee brace, trying with all his might to get down on one knee because love is worth doing the right way, even when it’s not easy to do gracefully.

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| Written by Steve Kroening | Dr. James Dobson Family Institute | Read full story at Read More